Mr The Rake v Kate – YOLO

 

From Mr The Rake:

About ten minutes ago, Kate made a facetious comment about us having a “lifestyle-off”. When my response to this was “mine’s better”, she told me to prove it. This is a totally fucked up reversal, since I’m supposed to be the lawyer and Kate’s supposed to be the dirty hippy. Pardon my swearing; I’m also trying to demonstrate to Kate that my brand of humour is totally unsuitable for her blog. I don’t think she knows how many jokes about Michael Jackson I took out of the last post. AIDS tree.

Anyhoo, my lifestyle is awesome. My average day starts at 6:35 am, when I get up to go to work. Getting up early is awful and it should be illegal, but starting off in such a shit way means that the day can only get better from there, even if I find a dead clown at the bottom of the driveway again. On the weekends I don’t have to get up early, so I set my alarm for hahaha you have to be fucking kidding o’clock. The clowns have been cleared away by then. I think I live in a bad neighbourhood. I don’t know where I am going with any of this.

Best activity ever

Best activity ever

I always skip breakfast because food is for the weak. After I’ve jumped into my suit and run (metaphorically; running sucks) into the city, I smash out a day’s hard work in the law mines. I work best in manic bursts, kind of like how Hunter S. Thompson would if he had been fuelled by Coke Zero, chicken burgers and Caramello Koalas instead of drugs and more drugs and more drugs.

When I get home I do something fun – watch TV, read a book, figure out the Unified Theory of Everything and then forget it because I got distracted by the sheer number of 10 year olds who play Xbox Live and have, according to them, had sex with my mother – to kill a couple of hours. At some point I might cook something comprised substantially primarily exclusively of meat, or just order a pizza because frankly my time is more valuable than the price of pizza, or would be if I used it for anything useful.

Later in the evening I drink half a bottle of single-malt reality improving juice, say my evening prayers (Eastern Orthodox Satanist), get the guitar out and play some songs that I don’t remember but I can only assume include a flawless rendition of Megadeth’s Hangar 18, and then pass out ready to do it all again the next day.



I was invited to his parents' place for dinner last night, so I assume I'm safe for now.

All of this makes me a pretty fantastic role model, which makes it puzzling that Kate voluntarily lives like a peasant in the Dark Ages. She gets up at first light to subject herself to levels of physical exertion that would be considered torture in most civilised societies, even on weekends, especially on weekends. She eats very little that I wouldn’t feed to a rabbit, barely partakes of delicious, flammable make-everyone-else-slightly-more-tolerable juice, and perhaps worst of all, listens to Flo Rida (which again, counts as torture when the CIA does it to someone).

It’s honestly baffling that Kate thinks she leads the better lifestyle. Oh, yeah, cool, it’s natural and you feel great. You know what else is natural? Intestinal worms. Stop being a goddamn hipster; life is not better because you intentionally make it suck. Get off my lawn. YOLO.

The Rake

Loving my cruel other half?

Check out his last post - Why you will Die Alone

Or the interview – Mr The Rake’s Views on Exercise

18 comments

  1. Mardi Healy says:

    Mr the Rake. You win.

  2. Chalani says:

    That was pure gold! Had to read it out loud to my sister, who is on the verge of tears. Mr. Rake, you win!

  3. Jack P says:

    RAKE! RAKE! RAKE! RAKE!

  4. Kathryn (Mum) says:

    I’m off to bed, secure in the knowledge that the future of my family is in good hands!

  5. Kathryn (Mum) says:

    So, I just re-read that post and the part about all those ten year olds having had sex with Mr The Rake’s mother. I felt the need to point out that I am Kate’s mother!

  6. Okay, I hate to say it, but Mr. Rake wins. And now my sides ache. :)
    Rachel B @ Busy Mama Fitness recently posted Change Your PictureMy Profile

  7. ohhh Mr Rake… you make a good case and yes I totally agree on how damn good sleep is.

    But have you heard of endorphins !?!? It don’t matter what you do all day Kate could do the most boring of tasks but she’s still having more FUN – HIGH off her last run… ;)

    PS – The only thing that made me laugh more than this post was MIL’s comment. Good call!
    Jenelle @ mummylovestorun recently posted 10 weeks – Canberra MarathonMy Profile

  8. Amalia says:

    I was looking forward to this, and Mr. The Rake DID NOT disappoint. Read it to Manfriend who says “he needs time to think of an appropriately awesome response”

    Then he said “He’s yelling at his computer.”

    So, all I have to say is Kate your Mum is hilarious (read above, that second comment is a gem) and Mr. The Rake continues to impress.

    Thank you for this. You made my day that much brighter.
    Amalia recently posted Staying Safe at NightMy Profile

  9. baaaaahahhahaha I can’t!!!
    TorontoRunner recently posted 13.1 on Treadmill! + I AM 25 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!My Profile

  10. fell says:

    pssh, if we’re going to get all lifestylie:
    Underwhelming lifestyle blog: http://fellfellfell.blogspot.com.au
    fell recently posted Response BattleBlogMy Profile

  11. I am LOL’ing. I absolutely need to let my bf post on the blog. He isn’t the biggest fan of it. Should make for humorous reading… maybe you guys can fist bump after!

  12. TriGirl says:

    I’m starting to like you, Mr. The Rake.
    TriGirl recently posted Pre-Run Calisthenics are Pretty DynamicMy Profile

  13. TriGirl says:

    I would say that the only time social media has been detrimental has been when I see how much faster/longer people run than I do. Most of the time, though, it motivates me to do more. And, when I was coming off an injury and nervous about running again, it was a fellow runner on Twitter who encouraged me out the door.

    I love the online community we have, and I LOVED your vlog!!
    TriGirl recently posted Pre-Run Calisthenics are Pretty DynamicMy Profile

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