Why you will die alone

 

Everything is postponed for day – including your awesome answers to yesterday’s post (keep ‘em coming!).

Tonight, Mr The Rake took over…

 

Why You Will Die Alone

By Mr The Rake 



Rake

Sometimes in life we encounter uncomfortable truths. Nobody likes to hear these, but sometimes they’re just what we need in order to change for the better. The process isn’t pleasant. No alcoholic likes hearing that a diet of Scotch and more Scotch is turning his liver into a prune, but he needs to know that if he is to avoid cirrhosis. No smoker likes to hear that they’re sucking down aerosolised cancer, but they must know that if they’re ever going to muster the motivation to quit, or alternately, to switch to smoking something that will at least get them high. These are obvious targets though. I’m going to provide a community service here and tell you what a supportive online community of fellow runners won’t: if you keep running long distances, you will die alone, smothered under the weight of your 17 cats.

That probably sounds ridiculous, because running is healthy. Right? Wrong. Running will ruin you. Everyone I know who runs hurts themselves constantly. Shin splints, seized up hip flexors, bad knees, sprained ankles, major tissue damage, the works. As a doctor*, I 100% guarantee that if you keep this lunacy up you’re going to look like a desiccated shell of a human being. You will end up as a walking corpse, and not the good kind that takes lots of drugs and plays lead guitar for the Rolling Stones.

That, at least, should explain how you’re going to end up lying flat on your back, unable to move, fighting for breath against the gentle press of Mr Fluffy’s paws on your chest, choking the life out of you even as he tears strips off your nose. However that’s getting ahead of ourselves, because you can’t spell “die alone” without “alone”. How will you end up alone? I’m glad you asked.

You will end up alone because running makes you insufferable. That’s not a judgment on any individual; it’s just a fact. Like PCP, running turns reasonable people into lunatics who will eat your face if you give them half a chance. I love Kate, but a 25 km run turns her into a mean drunk who will murder twenty people with a fork if there’s a can of Diet Coke to be scavenged from their tattered remains.

I’ve heard running called a sport, but that doesn’t sit well with me. To me, a sport is something like football, where you kick a ball to your mates, shout a lot, get knocked around a bit, and end up getting drunk at the pub afterwards because it’s all just a bit of fun. Running strikes me more as something that you feel compelled to do because in a past life you were Hitler. If a dog runs up and starts playing with some guys who are kicking a ball around in a park, nine times out of ten they will laugh and pat it. If a dog gets in Kate’s way around Iron Cove, she will shout at it until its skin falls off. To put it mildly, distance running is not always conducive to human interaction.

Look, I won’t deny that long distance running has its benefits. Most runners look a lot better than me, and the fitness will probably get them a lot further than a diet of beer and chicken burgers will get me when the Great Bear Plague strikes in 2024. That said, while I’m in hell, being scourged by Richard Nixon and listening to a flock of Kardashians sing We Built This City for all of eternity, you’re well on your way to joining me. You just need to spill the cat food on yourself first.

* Not a medical doctor. Not the other kind either.

 

Thanks dude. Looks like I’m about to be gifted 17 cats as a parting gift. 

 

Your Turn!

Tell him he’s wrong – or right!

 

46 comments

  1. misszippy says:

    Mr. Rake–you have a future in comedy. Go for it!
    misszippy recently posted #10 Things I don’t getMy Profile

  2. Jeff says:

    Give me running or give me death! LOL
    Jeff recently posted Book Review: The World’s Toughest Endurance ChallengesMy Profile

  3. Robyn says:

    Mr Rake you are very articulate and have a few valid points … however, everything in moderation – I do agree that running long distances continually is bad for you – maybe should limit the running to 3x a week -10 km a time and do other forms of training too – I’m a bit older than you :) and was starting to fall apart from just running, now I cycle too (3x a week) and do Pilates. It is good to mix your exercise up – running is a great part of an overall fitness plan. Let Kate just run for now, she is young! She’ll know when she needs to mix up her exercise…
    Robyn recently posted Running with your Dog without Falling on your Face!My Profile

  4. jenna says:

    lolol! oh mr rake! i love it! <3 definitely made my day and i cant discredit his opinion.. thats for sure! :o )

  5. Kat says:

    Stick to art homie… Lol
    Kat recently posted Shocking, isn’t it?My Profile

  6. Oh Mr. The Rake you are such a comedian! With some valid points I might add! We runners are definitely a different breed but there are always pros and cons to doing something you love! :-)
    Mindy @ Road Runner Girl recently posted Knee Check!My Profile

  7. hahahahahhaha, oh wow!
    I especially love the disclosure at the end about not being a doctor!!
    TorontoRunner recently posted My Happy WeightMy Profile

  8. Hilarious, but he does speak some truths… From factual historical events, I turn into a horrible house-mate/girlfriend when I cant’ run for 7 weeks due to hip flexor injuries. LOL But now I can run again and I’m back to tolerable!
    p.s. I already have 1 cat. I guess I’m 1/17th closer to being nose-less!
    Beka @ rebecca roams recently posted #HOLIDAYADAY Photo ChallengeMy Profile

  9. Mr. The Rake cracks my $H!T up! He is hilarious, but don’t let him get too bed headed about it. FYI- I almost set out cat Christmas cards as a joke.
    Abby @ BackAtSquareZero recently posted Healthy Holidays with Click Espresso Protein DrinkMy Profile

  10. TriGirl says:

    Mr The Rake: You just don’t get it. DO NOT MAKE ME SWIM (ACROSS THE OCEAN) OVER THERE. Hehe. I think you just need to admit that runners are awesome. I would run over to tell you, but I might be in a foul mood after a few thousand clicks :D
    TriGirl recently posted All this Exercise is a Pain in the NeckMy Profile

  11. Bwahahaaaa!!!!!!! Firstly let me say I know someone that you would really get along with!!!!!

    Secondly when Kate is being “insufferable” just remember that those hot runners legs and tight buns are courtesy of running… I’m pretty sure you don’t complain about those!

    Thanks for the best laugh all week and I am convinced you and my husband have meet at a “poor me, I live with a runner support group meeting” you all sound the same :=)
    Jenelle @ mummylovestorun recently posted So much more than running : NutritionMy Profile

    • Kate says:

      Damn straight! You tell him Jenelle. Your husband and Yo Momma’s husband can join the ‘my partner is a runner and I don’t get it’ group. :-D

  12. best. post. ever. i’m speechless…and laughing too hard.
    Cait the Arty Runnerchick recently posted Comment on Runners, Let Us Issue Insincere Apologies to Our Legs by CaitMy Profile

  13. Perfect. I need to share this with my husband. He’ll really appreciate the part about runners being insufferable.:)
    Yo Momma Runs recently posted Marathon nightmares and a giveaway winnerMy Profile

  14. Rachel says:

    Absolutely died laughing! OMG! This is so TRUE!! Ha! Ha!! Thank you… :)

  15. Bean says:

    Oh god so funny. Mr. Rake you are hilarious. Thanks for sharing with us. After my last race I dropped food on the floor and stomped around throwing a fit and my husband said ‘I am glad you are done racing for awhile, you are a lot to handle afterwards’. HOW DARE HE. Just kidding he is totally right. This comment about being a lot to handle also applies to the time period after bad run, long runs, runs in which I hurt myself, and also runs that go really well and I come home all excited, and smug, and think I am the next Kara Goucher waiting to happen.
    Bean recently posted Commitment Issues and RestMy Profile

  16. Amy Badskirt says:

    Mr Rake rocks. I’ve had similar, but less funny, conversations with running friends, but he’s nailed it. The argument “I feel so good after I run” is usually short-winded because as Mr Rake points out it is usually delivered by grumpmeisters who moments later will jaunt off to treat a sore knee. Not all running is bad. In fact, some running can be good. It’s like other obsessions though, it needs to be kept in check.

    My advice for the future: cut down on the cats.

    • Kate says:

      Well hello miss badskirt ;-) . I really miss you guys – have been meaning to organise a Sydney-based catch up. I’ll keep nothing in check!

  17. O M Freaking G!! I loved this post!! Sending cat’s your (his) way ASAP. :p
    Gina @ Noshing on Asphat recently posted Deck the HallsMy Profile

  18. Amalia says:

    Mr. The Rake and Manfriend are probably best friends that just haven’t met yet. When we come to Sydney (next summer is the plan) you and I will have to go for a run and they can discuss how it makes us absolutely insufferable.
    Amalia recently posted Foodie Fun – Sharing fun snacksMy Profile

  19. I am too busy laughing to argue, except that I will *never* end up with 17 cats. I *gasp* HATE cats. Dogs maybe, or stuffed animals. But no cats. Shared this on facebook and Twitter, because I am still laughing. Others should laugh, too!
    kim prytherch recently posted Barking Mad Virtual Half MarathonMy Profile

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